25 October 2002

The Price is Right, with Paul Burrell

...the aim of the game is simple. All you have to do is look at our showcases and determine the amount of profit one would get for (hyperthetically, naturally) liberating them from the residence of a dead ex-employer.

First tonight we have the Klondike dress, worn by Princess Diana during a tour of Canada in 1997 and by me (allegedly, naturally) at various times in private afterwards.

It is made from finest silk collected and fashioned by child slaves in Burma. Without Diana's marvellous efforts against landmines, far fewer child slaves would have the amount of upper limbs required to produce such fine fabric.

I have to say that it does rather pinch around the groin area although I suspect it was not designed for burly gentlemen with 15 years worth of private letters secreted down their boxers in order to remove them from the premises.

The second showcase tonight is Princess Diana's collection of furry slippers. You too could own this piece of history - high quality artifacts made from genuine English wildlife tortured and captured by her ex-husband and sons. No royal worshipper's collection of morbid memorabilia is complete without slightly soiled and tasteless items of a personal nature.

Finally tonight we have autographed Chris De Burgh Y-Fronts.

Diana's favourite crooning one-hit wonder's underpants shown here getting an airing at Knebworth. A quality weave and attractive triple-stitched 'Y' make this a Gentleman's pant, now of historical interest to collectors from around the world.

To own these pieces of history, all you need to do is spoon-feed an egotistical, self-obsessed, paranoid parasite with smarmy obsequiousness until you get a chance to half-inch them.

06 June 2002

Government takes steps to cover up royal scandal

Since 2000, ThroneOut and Republic have been calling for the Royal Family to be DNA tested.

In an election a candidate's votes are counted, even when it is clear that one has a landslide. Similarly, those who inherit their positions should have to prove their claim, and DNA testing is the natural way to do this.

ThroneOut has presented prima facie evidence that certain senior members of the Royal Family may not have the parentage they claim.

This is important especially if you are a monarchist and believe in the principle of hereditary rule. Take for example Prince Harry. If anything happens to Prince William before he has children, Harry will be King. Yet Harry's father is now widely thought to be Major James Hewitt. If this is true then Harry has no claim to the throne whatsoever.

ThroneOut has encouraged its supporters to attempt to obtain DNA - just a hair from Prince Harry may be enough to prove the line of succession is flawed.

After evidence surfaced that Prince Philip may not be the father of some of the Queen's children he famously refused to wear a hair net in an Australian cheese factory, concerned that it could be used to recover DNA from him. The entire run of cheese was destroyed. See BBC News.

What could the government possibly do to frustrate this? Make it illegal of course... and coincidentally (despite no perceived need to legislate) they are planning on doing exactly that.

See BBC News for the government's plans.

05 April 2002

New bible: Queen Mother 'bigger than Jesus'

ThroneOut has learned that from next year the Queen Mother will replace Jesus as the central character in all official Church of England literature. A senior Church of England spokesman said, "The Bible is widely regarded as the original 'papyrus nasty'. The idea of a bearded terrorist nailed to a lump of wood is hardly the kind of story we want to tell to children these days."

Tony Blair strongly approved of the change, "The Queen Mother has done far more good than Jesus, she won the war, saved humankind and also emitted a beautiful glow from her whole body. The sun really did shine out of her arsehole, and I should know, I got my tongue right up there at every opportunity."

Work has already started on rewriting the bible to replace Jesus, the poor carpenter's son who healed the sick, with the new Queen Mother character. Old scenes featuring lepers and prostitutes are to be cut in favour of riveting new incidents including a spectacular six-horse accumulator win and all day drinking binges.

The demise of the central character is likely to be the most eagerly awaited part of the new Bible. In the original, Jesus dies a martyr's death by crucifixion in order to save mankind, returning from beyond the grave a few days later. "I've never liked this part of the Bible, the public is too sophisticated for tosh like this these days", commented a senior clergyman. He denied that the new scenes featuring the Queen Mother dying during an afternoon nap after a heavy meal of roast swan and three glasses of port would be less inspirational. "Everyone likes a happy ending", he said, adding, "She went to the East End during the war you know. All Jesus did was cheap PR stunts like walking on water and conjuring food out of thin air.".

A large-eared man at Windsor Castle yesterday was strongly behind the move. "If there is any servile worship and singing of praises, it should be aimed at us and not some long-haired Jewish communist who hung around with prostitutes and criminals."

The Catholic church had no plans to revise it's own version of the holy book. A papal spokesman said, "The Bible? We're far too busy trying to keep kiddy-fiddling priests out of children's pants to worry about that old thing."