'Paki' and 'Raghead' officially no longer racist terms

After video of Prince Harry using both words emerged, royal brown-nosers have rallied round to clear the prince of any wrongdoing. It has been decided by senior government and military chiefs that both terms will retrospectively removed from the lexicon of offensive racist slurs and recategorized as harmless friendly banter. Consequently Harry will not be censured for use of the terms, and in fact has been praised by those hoping for knighthoods as a poster child for race relations.

Furthermore, some other terms popularly used by the prince have similarly had their meanings reclassified to head-off any future controversy.

1. N*gger - A gentleman who you are very friendly with and have a close working relationship with, and for whom you have the utmost respect and who might coincidentally have a darker than average skin tone
2. F*cking c*nt - A bit of a wag who is nevertheless quite lovable and well meaning
3. M*therf*cker - Any man known to have met Prince Diana on more than one occasion, or for more than 10 minutes on a single occasion

More info:
News of the World - Prince Harry's racist outbursts on video

Harry retreats from Afghanistan before 'spring offensive' season

It was inevitable really. After the humiliation of dodging Iraq because the Army said it was 'too dangerous', an attempt at face saving was only a matter of time.

Afghanistan is considered much safer than Iraq, with the Independent noting that "The main British base in Helmand, Camp Bastion, has never been attacked, unlike its equivalent in Iraq, Basra air station. Even the forward operating bases in Lashkar Gah, the provincial capital, and Gereshk are reasonably safe."

The official excuse for withdrawing Harry was because of a media leak. However, an Australian Yahoo site broke the story some weeks back, and there had been much speculation in the media last year that Harry would be sent to Afghanistan as his regiment was scheduled to go.

Perhaps the MI6 spooks have inside knowledge that Al Qaeda get their celebrity news exclusively from the Drudge Report?

Harry spent just 10 weeks in Afghanistan, meaning he was posted some time around Christmas. In contrast, the rest of his regiment were reportedly posted to Iraq in October 2007 and had been there over 2 months by the time Harry turned up. So if the leak was the reason for him returning early (and the fact there were other leaks suggests it was not), what was the reason for him deploying late?

Quite probably Harry's late posting and early return were planned from the start to minimize the chance of any real 'action'.

It is widely known that hostilities die down in Afghanistan as the winter bites, resuming in the spring.

Indeed this year will likely be no exception, with the Taliban's military commander just a week ago warning of a spring offensive.

"The attack is imminent," he told Al Jazeera's Arabic channel in an interview aired on Wednesday.

"The number of Taliban mujahidin who are ready to launch the spring battle has reached 6000," he told Ahmed Zeidan, the Kabul bureau chief of Al Jazeera's Arabic channel.

Dadullah said that the fighters were concealed in tunnels and elsewhere in preparation for launching their attack.

So in order to avoid real risk, any deployment would have to be made to the safest theatre (Afghanistan) and at the safest time (from December to February) regardless of what the rest of his regiment were doing.

And despite Harry supposedly doing real soldiering, it turns out he was followed by a bunch of media lackeys filming the whole thing.

What is the betting there were no gun fights? Not even a couple of caged Taliban trucked in and let loose as a bit of sport.

Meanwhile the bodies of real troops who have died fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq continue to return without any media attention whatsoever.

For more information see
Al Jazeera - Taliban: Spring offensive is coming
Independent - Harry to Afghanistan
Aussie leak of Harry deployment

Harry excused from war zone

ThroneOut had predicted that Prince Harry would not see front line service from the moment it was announced. But it seems he won't even be sent to Iraq at all because "it's dangerous".

Of course it is. It's a war zone. Well over a hundred British troops have been killed already, and the soldiers face suicide bombings, snipers, IEDs and mortar attacks on a daily basis. The insurgents are already doing their best to kill or capture enemy troops, as the recent attack on a US patrol that resulted in the capture of 3 servicemen shows.

None of that deters our country's misguided leaders from throwing more cannon fodder into the unwinnable quagmire. But when it comes to the Queen's grandchild, they suddenly become much more concerned about the dangers.

So the question is, if a royal cannot be sent to a war zone because as a high-profile person he'd be a special target, what the hell is he doing in the army anyway? What was the use of wasting tax payers' money on training him to shoot guns, drive tanks and bark commands to flunkies when as soon as those skills are actually required he's pulled out because (shock!) the other side might shoot at him?

In the dim and very distant past, kings themselves would lead their armies onto the battlefield. Very often, one of them would not leave it. Those days are long gone. Sure they like the uniforms, and the medals and the parades and the posing. But it's just fancy dress, because at heart members of the royal family are pampered pansies. The closest Harry comes to combat is punching tabloid photographers, and only then if there are some beefy bouncers to make sure he doesn't get punched back.

So in few years time when Harry gets married to some useless money-grabbing tart, and wears his military uniform with a chest full of medals, you'll know for sure he got them for being the useless bastard son of a useless family, rather than for acts of bravery on the battlefield.

For more information see
Prince Harry not to serve in Iraq

Harry accidentally falls into tabloid journalist

According to Buckingham Palace, a stone cold sober Prince Harry 'accidentally fell into a tabloid photographer' on his way home from a quiet night out in London last night. The spokesman said that the prince had enjoyed half a shandy early in the evening followed by one or two orange juices and a handful of bombay mix around 11pm.

While leaving the club after not feeling up a girl who was not his girlfriend, he spotted a tabloid photographer and greeted him with a cheerful "And what do you do?" before posing politely for some photographs. However, in the poor light he stumbled on an uneven paving stone before accidentally shouting "I'm going to fucking kill you" while inadvertently attempting to rip the man's head off.

Harry's pending posting to Iraq has caused controversy after it emerged he would have minders to make sure he didn't come to any harm. The British Army explained the decision, "Prince Harry has experienced a number of accidents outside nightclubs due to poor quality pavement surfacing. Iraq has some of the most uneven sidewalks in the world, and Prince Harry is obviously at greater risk than the other troops because he will have the added distraction of trying not to fall onto tabloid journalists as well as avoiding snipers' bullets, roadside bombs and suicide attacks.

The British Army has asked the media not to attempt to follow the prince or reveal which suite in the heavily-fortified Basra Ritz-Carlton he will be patrolling.

For more information see
News of the World - Prince Harry Orf his head
BBC News - Harry club fracas claims denied

When Harry's dad met Di

It has long been speculated that Prince Harry's real father is Diana's ex-lover, James Hewitt. However, royalists and Hewitt himself have always claimed this is impossible because he only met Diana for the first time in 1986, and Harry was born in 1984. Now a new witness has produced evidence suggesting Hewitt was lying all this time.

Best of all, it's a first hand witness to the couple's first meeting: James Hewitt himself.

Under hypnosis for a TV interview, Hewitt admits not only that he first met Diana in 1981, but that he began a sexual relationship with her in 1981 or 1982, at least a full 2 years before Harry was born.

He also claims that the secret service threatened him.

The admission destroys yet another royalist argument, a lie that has been repeated again and again by royalists on this very site. The evidence for Hewitt being Harry's father gets stronger all the time. No wonder the royals will do anything to avoid a DNA test for Harry. They obviously knew all this time that Hewitt was lying.

More information
The Mirror - Hewitt hypnotized

Harry in new fancy dress shocker

Prince Harry was embroiled in further scandal today after pictures of his latest fancy dress outfit emerged.

Harry in military uniform shocker

Prince Harry has caused outrage after pictures of him dressed as a British soldier emerged last night. In the photos, he is seen wearing a British Army uniform and even giving a British Army salute while smiling and appearing to be enjoying himself.

His actions were instantly condemned by angry representatives of communities around the world that have suffered at the hands of the British Army in Ireland, India, Africa, China, the Middle-East and throughout the Americas.

For hundreds of years until the latter half of the 20th century, Britain fought and occupied numerous countries around the world in brutal fashion. During this time, the British Army was the tool of British aggression and dictatorial control over the locals. Incidents such as the 'Black Hole of Calcutta' symbolized to many the uncompromizing tactics of British imperial occupation, using it to justify a historical form of 'War on Terror'.

Attacks were invariably launched on bogus grounds, a tactic still used by the British Government to this day when seeking to launch wars in pursuit of valuable resources that the target country possesses.

Many hundreds of thousands of people died under British occupation, overseen by the notorious British Army.

Buckingham Palace has apologized for the photographs and made clear that the Prince very much regretted his actions and would visit many of the countries previously violated by the British Army while taking luxury holidays at the tax payers' expense over the rest of his lifetime.

They also stressed that dressing up as a pretend member of the British military was nothing more than harmless fancy dress, just as it was for previous royals including Prince Phillip, Prince Andrew, Prince Edward, Prince Charles, as well as Harry's own father.

More Information:
BBC News - Harry urged to say sorry publicly

Harry demonstrates military credentials

Prince Harry, the exam-cheating son of Princess Diana and either Prince Charles or James Hewitt, violently attacked a photographer outside a nightclub in London last night.

It was the kind of action that would normally result in cosmetic surgery courtesy of a bouncer's knuckles, but fortunately for Harry, it's fun to act hard when you're protected by burly armed guards who'll jump in to protect you and pull you away from trouble.

When rock stars and movie actors behave like this, they are condemned as yobs and castigated for their lack of manners and violent behaviour. Hair-transplant recipient Elton John was recently portrayed as an arrogant brat for verbal insults against the Taiwanese press after being the subject of press photographers' attention at an airport there. Courtney Love was charged with disorderly conduct for throwing a microphone stand into the crowd at a gig in New York. But expect to see no such condemnation when the perpetrator is a member of the house of Windsor. The blame will of course be put squarely at the door of the press for 'inciting' him.

Although tape-recorded admitting that he did virtually none of a coursework assignment for his art A-level, the exam board have said they have no intention of investigating the claims. Harry was admitted to Sandhurst military academy (for which a degree is usually required). Harry seems to have the perfect attitude for a life in the military, which consists largely of drunken fights in the streets and bars of Aldershot and brutal attacks on defenceless Iraqi prisoners.

More information:
BBC News - Prince Harry in nightclub scuffle

Harry accused of cheating in A-levels

Prince Harry was never blessed with brains, but fortunately these aren't necessary as a member of the Royal Family. Even if a job can't be secured from a well-heeled family friend there is always the option of military service, after greasing a few palms, and awarding a few medals to the right people.

Most recruits to Sandhurst are graduates, but occasionally recruits are admitted with lower qualifications, especially if their surname is Windsor. In Harry's case, he was admitted with just a grade B in art, and a grade D in geography - the worst results of anyone in his year at school.

Unfortunately however, Harry wasn't even bright enough to manage Art. One of his former teachers at Eton claims she was asked by a senior master at the school to help Harry complete his coursework.

If found to have cheated Harry could face expulsion from the Army. Fortunately the Windsors are quite adept at manipulating the results of investigations. Expect to see this one buried, like the rest, and a collection of chinless wonder military types to crop up on TV saying what a top officer he is.

More information
BBC News - Royal Family denies Harry cheated

Harry gets B and D in A-levels

Prince Harry has achieved mediocre grades in his A-Level exams - he got a B in Art and a D in geography.

He dropped a third subject - history of art after his AS exams last year.

Fees for Eton run to thousands of pounds.

St James's Palace said: "By achieving two A-Level passes, Prince Harry is able to continue pursuing his wish for a future career in the Army" (thereby proving that where you went to school IS more important than your grades when it comes to joining the army).

ThroneOut confidently predicts that Harry won't be seeing military action on the front line in Iraq, with its withering 50C temperatures and repeated attacks against coalition troops.

For more information see:
BBC News - Prince Harry's A-level results

Hewitt's plans to clear his debts

James Hewitt has announced that he plans to sell love letters between himself and Diana for £10 million. More information here.

However, ThroneOut can reveal exclusively Hewitt's new business venture that is set to earn him considerably more. He has partnered with a new age cult in order to product a 'Create your own Prince Harry Half-Brother' kit.

ThroneOut obtained a beta version of the pack, the back of which claims to offer 'an authentic Hewitt impregnation experience'. No instructions were included but the kit contains a small sachet of white liquid, a small bottle of gin, a hairnet, two cigarettes and a small plastic syringe-like object similar in size and shape to 2" chipolata sausage.

Hewitt was vague when questioned over how the product worked or how it was produced, leading some scientists to pour scorn on his claim to be able to produce Prince Harry half-brothers. Hewitt's integrity is bound to be criticized by many, with some considering the product very bad taste, although we found that mixing with blackcurrant did help somewhat.

When asked if he was directly involved with the manufacturing he replied "of course", but admitted that the rate of production was unacceptably low due to the limited range of 'specialist' cable TV stations he could currently receive.